Yesterday was a fairly perfect day. I headed to E.Lansing to hang out with some girlfriends for a day of chick-flicks, Guinness Steak Pie and manicure/pedicures. I was so relaxed by the time I got home that I failed to get started on homework until later than anticipated, which meant that I was up later than anticipated, which meant that I woke up later than anticipated -- can we see where this is going?

As I'm getting ready to leave for class in a few minutes, I decided to throw together a random mix cd because I'm getting a bit tired of my audio books ("Dr. Zhivago" and "The GOogle Story" are the ones I'm flipping back and forth on right now. Dr. Zhivago is depressing because it's well, Dr. Zhivago and "The Google Story" because I calculated that Page&Brim are one year younger than me and they changed the world. Nothing makes one feel worthless like discovering that the founders of Google have changed teh course of the world while I'm still in freakin' graduate school.) and XM/Sirius merger has fucked my channel lineup with crap. Lucy, Fred and Ethel have become Lithium, Alt Nation and some other crap and the music is bad. XM Chill has also gone to pot. My beloved 89X out of Detroit has gone to pot as well -- I'm not sure how a station can qualify themselves as "New Rock Alternative" as when I listened to them last week on the way home, the average age of the songs was 3-5 years. Hello corporate, adult, guitar based alternative music. Goodbye new and bleeding edge good stuff.

Anyway, the CD is not the usual fare that I put together with precision and care, just a hodgepodge heavy on REM, Elbow, Bloc Party, The Smiths, New Order and Joy Division. A few poppy songs to brighten my day are also on there as well. And Girl Talk. That should be an hours worth of pop if there was any. :) In short, despite the plethora of new music I've been purchasing as of late of new and good bands, I always turn to the same mopey, depressing, back of hand stapled to the forehead stuff. I blame The Smiths -- I should have never bought "The Sound of The Smiths" -- but I did because yes, I needed 12", 7" and John Peel versions of various songs. Listening to The Smiths for the last few days has turned me into a mope monster. FEH. And I hate being mopey - waste of good energy.

I'm in a mood. I don't like it when I get into these moods, but these moods usually run prevalent during the winter months as I rage against hating the entire world and wanting to run off to the Highlands and living a quietly, solitary life while tending sheep.

Lord Throbbing arrived today, to my great amusement and bewilderment of thepugkids who thought that they had received a new toy (um, no.). Yes, Lord Throbbing's trunk looks like a penis.

I made the cut for the graduate assistantship and have an interview on Friday. I'm leaving Thursday morning for class and will be staying at Darcee's house in E. Lansing Thursday night, coming back to GR after the interview on Friday. Saturday morning I have breakfast with Emili and then work. On Sunday, I'm heading out with Beth and Ryan for Guinness Steak Pie and girly talk back at Darcee's. Monday I have class again and well, the week goes on from there.

The sacrifice for the interview is that I must give up seeing James Bond at midnight tomorrow night AND cancel plans with Joy for Friday night for beer drinking and carousal as I will have to utilize that time for homework. I can't believe I actually thought about re-arranging the interview on Friday just so I could do homework and see Bond, but, fuck it. This is my future we're talking about and an opportunity to work in a library, get paid AND have my tuition taken care of and not kill myself in the upcoming year. I'm not letting that get away.

Speaking of futures, Justin and I have talking fairly in-depth about his upcoming visit because I find myself alternating between whisking him away to Vegas and marrying him or refusing to ever speak to him again. Maybe not those extremes, but, pretty close. There will be no moving on either parts (except him to Chicago, but that was long planned before I came back around), even more so since I'm now looking at Phd programs (again) to apply for the fall of '11.

Then there is the history between us and the long ten year gap between it all. And while it has been great fun and distraction from all the craziness this year that has transpired, I fear of transference of emotion from one to another, something Justin and I have spoken about and discussed and of which he understands. But there is also the underlying reasons of why I fell in love with Justin all those years ago and the things that pissed me off, with most of the reasons of why I broke it off with him were based on immaturity on my part and at the time, the reasons seemed sound.

I recognize I'm emotionally a mess, as Bloc Party so wontonly states, "This is not the time to start a new love, this is not the time to sign a new lease." I'm the least stable person to emotionally get into a relationship.

But as impetuous as I am about such things, perhaps it can be best summed by Justin himself: "it's incredibly stupid, it shows a wanton lack of judgement on both of our parts - which is why it will be so fun."

I sort of lost my focus these last few weeks and I'm paying for it now -- I'm jamming so much reading/homework into my daily routine to "make-up" for what I lost that the next six weeks (when the semester ends) looks hellish. Also included that I have to nail down an apartment by mid-December and Justin is coming for NYE.

Lord Throbbing should be arriving tomorrow! Woo!

I'm also way behind on personal matters (emails and the like) that I need to catch up on.

I will prevail, I always do.

Also still waiting to hear back about the graduate assistantship that I applied for last week. There is also a fellowship at Google that I want to do next summer but may pass for the time being until I get more edumucation under my belt.

Since nearly every NYE for the last forever have been more or less hellish, i.e. I've ended up OD'd in the hospital, sick with the flu or some other nonsense, Justin and I will be ensconced at the JW Marriott for the night, snuggled in our robes, watching movies and doing adult type things. Alcohol may or may not be involved, I haven't decided yet. Low-key is the word I'm going for here. We are going to be doing lots of touristy type stuff, such as hitting the museums (and doing the carriage ride at Meijer Gardens), checking out the exhibits at GRAM and scoping out good eats downtown. Or we may just sleep a lot and not move from the hotel -- whose to say?

Those last two weeks look to be nuts as if I get the GSA at school, I start on January 5th and will be moving the following weekend. If I don't get the GSA, I will still be moving before the weekend of the 12th and starting classes on the 12th. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to having my own space again. I swear I'm just going to lay naked in the middle of living room floor, spread eagled and not move for days. Well I would if I didn't have thepugkids with me.

I will have to say that today I was totally in love with the whole world. Today was the first day in a very long time I did not ask why. Today was the first day in a very long time I was happy for the sake of being happy -- not because of a man, or a job, hormones, drugs or any other artificial means. Forget the redundancy of self-help books and new-agey feel good anthems, I was happy because I could be and wanted to be.

Even though I'm exhausted right now, I'm totally in love with the world right now. And if I start singing "Kumbaya," someone put me out of my fucking misery. ;)

Several weeks ago, kethryvis mentioned that she was awaiting shipment of her penguin from squishable.com, which lead to several of us cooing over the more adorable ones in the bunch. I mentioned this in passing to Justin, as I mention everything I want in passing to Justin. (Still waiting for my Bugatti Veyron. Still waiting.)

So last night, after my prostelyzing, I went straight to bed. No overly vivid dreams for me, finally, to wake this morning, however, under a lot of pain from arthritis that plagues me so badly once a year that I can barely walk.

As I was checking my email, I received notice from Squishables that my order had been shipped. Since I'm broke and I know I did not order anything recently, I scanned the invoice to discover that Justin has sent me the adorable elephant seen on your right. I immediately christened said elephant, Lord Throbbing. The name comes from Vile Bodies, a book we both read for the PFT Bookclub and the double entendre of sexual connotation.

After telling Justin how amazing, wonderful and awesome he was, he sent me an email with the note he wanted to attach to Lord Throbbing as a gift, and couldn't. (Justin had no idea that I was planning on naming the new toy, Lord Throbbing as of yet):

Dear Lady Throbbing:

Aye a door ewe.

Sincerely,
Lord Throbbing

I'm now wondering how Teddy (my 33 year old Teddy Bear) will feel about sharing his space with an intruder, but I'm sure they'll get along. I'm also taking Lord Throbbing with me to the airport when I pick Justin up -- we may not have seen each other in ten years but I get the feeling he would be pleased to see Lord Throbbing with me while we wait earnestly to pick him up.

Last night I dreamt that I ran into TheEx with his new wife and child, which seemed rather remarkable as it would be virtually impossible for the later to have happened in the short time we have split up. Not totally improbable on the former, however, unfortunately.

Again, I brood because of this melancholy ache that resided in my heart, which seemed so unusual after all of this time. While I think what would have passed for our anniversary was Tuesday, it was actually last night and this evening that made it so clear. Our first date took place the evening before $corporate_bookstore's annual holiday meeting, in which on that first night, after a fairly interesting dinner (one thing that I remember so vividly about that evening was his discussion on phone sex he had with someone he met online and the turning of the preplexedness that he had on the fact that she wanted to actually meet him). After dinner, we had run to the grocery store as I was planning on making Apple Pie Bread for the event, and I remember it had snowed and that my dress boots were killing my feet. I remember his eagerness in helping me prepare the bread as well as the giggling in the car as I dug around my clutch for my lip balm on the way to said store. I remember his over earnest expression as he did this weird little after a long discussion about taking "this" slow and dance in my kitchen, asking if he could kiss me and me saying no. But instead I offered up a hug and he wouldn't quite let me go. Two days later, we made out like teenagers in his car in my driveway, of which I threw myself at him and kissed him so deeply that I steamed up his glasses (and the car windows).

The first snow of the season reminiscent of those walks between our houses (four blocks!) as we met in the middle of the street to give each other kisses good night, only to have him follow me home, to snuggle deeply in my bed. Of making snow angels in the park by our houses and the pictures that would follow. And of course of the occassion, three weeks later, when I called him to come over so I could break up with him - I knew that if I continued seeing him things were going to end bad, and somehow we didn't and well, the rest is history.


These memories are disjointed as they appeared because this evening on my way to the $corporate_bookstore's annual holiday meeting, I had this urge to call him to tell him to walk thepugkids, to tell him that I loved him and that I would be home rather late and would he mind warming up the sheets before I arrived back home?

Time has a wonderful way of erasing all the hurt and the negativity of the relationship -- it is much easier to forget the pain, the almost constant loneliness and the often silence that pervaded our relationship. He never talked much about his own feelings or about depth of issue in regards to himself and when I would attempt to do the same about myself, there was often silence in return. My frustration with the levels of which we did not talk were so prevalent that I choose to ignore them rather than think of them. Because I made the choice to do that, it was easier to ignore the harsh realities of the relationship and cocoon myself in a fairytale that really wasn't real.

Logically, I know that being with him ultimately would have been a huge mistake: of all of his peccadilloes, there are things that I could not do for him that only he could do for himself, and the fact that he hurt me physically trumps everything that was good. Rationally and logically, I have stated that I do not want him back for reasons that I have previously listed time and time again, openly here. Those reasons have not changed, but instead, I indulge in thinking of the goodness that occurred over the badness, it seems easier that way.

I'm in love with the person from those early days, and not the monster that appeared at the end. Perhaps this is the why then -- the why that I find myself returning to time and time again as of late as so much reminds me of those carefree times when everything seemed possible and Michigan in the winter didn't seem so desolate or bleak. When the first snows singled the time for re-birth and love. I cannot reconcile how someone could be so monstrous and treat me with such little respect and so shabbily when all I had done was love them with every fiber of my being. This is my why -- an answer that I'll never, ever fully receive.

TheEx's best friend. GRLawyerFriend, had said to me several months after the first break-up that TheEx still loved me as passionately as ever, if that mattered. He also said that I needed to figure out what I wanted to do and to wait for something that may never happen -- namely the rebirthing of the person I saw over this monster that seemed to pop in and out for the entirety of TheEx's life. I remember thinking that because I loved him, then, so strong and so true, that waiting seemed like the natural recourse for me. Because if TheEx could see what I saw in him, then everything would be okay.

As we all know, it did not turn out that way. Being told that not only was TheEx thinking about dating and it wasn't going to be me, that his time with me was over -- and that he no longer loved me anymore (he says) superseded every good thing about our relationship. I have always felt, long felt, that for all of his bravedo, he did not fight for me, he did not make the effort to prove his love was true. And to me, this was the most disappointing thing of all -- for the TheEx that I met two years ago, who seemed so passionate about me and supposedly loved me for me, would not have done that. And yet, he had.

Sitting to my right is a box full of the things he gave me that were peppered around our apartment, that I boxed up after he moved out in April. In it sits a holiday card he gave me in which he wrote that I was his soul mate, the most perfect girlfriend on the planet and every other romantic thing that overrode any doubt in my brain and heart about the status of our relationship. I have not opened that box since the day he left and it was brought into my bedroom when I moved because I did not know what to do with it. I've recently toyed with the idea of just throwing the entire box away without looking inside of it and yet I have not. It sits there, propped against a wall and I treat it like Pandora's box.

GRLawyerFriend said to me that what he most wished for me was that I did not lay around waiting for TheEx to get his shit together, that I did not let opportunities go by because I was waiting for something that may not happen. TheEx's volatile behaviour had been ongoing for over 20 years -- and he clearly was not going to change overnight. I had thought then that my love was so strong and true that waiting did not seem to be that big of deal -- but the Monster then appears and it negates all the good and for a very long time, all I could remember is the bad.

I forgive you.
I forgive you.

I say this out loud, a deep cleansing sigh overtakes my body and I feel the most relaxed I have in a very long time. I had thought, for ages, that by admitting forgiveness would mean admitting defeat -- you had won, I had not prevailed and I was stuck in this cyclic hell of my own choosing. But no, it is returning the loveliness of the early days back into their proper place, of where they belong. I can no longer ruminate on the Monster, for to do that gives him power and really, I've been fighting to against something that never really was -- a power that was really mine all along if only I wanted it.

I forgive you.

I had said to Justin as of late that it would be a shame if I never fell in love with him again, if I let him go for whatever reason that in the end were silly and stupid. We have talked about the probability of a relationship beyond what our friendship is now -- it would be stupid of me to not seek out that opportunity if it were to present itself to me again. I have no expectations beyond what happens when he comes out to visit in December, but what I don't want is to go to him with a heavy heart full of pain and hurt that the only reason why I cannot go to him truly free is because I'm caught up in this stupid cyclic feeling that by forgiving you would mean the end of me. No, it is a re-birth. I have prevailed, I always prevail. And if not with Justin, then whomever crosses my path as the future unfolds.

I forgive you.

I will always be a tiny bit in love with the projection, the image that I grew up around you -- such is the nature of whom I am. I cannot fathom spending the rest of my life hating you, I could never really hold a grudge anyway. Life is too short to spend that kind of negative energy on something that is out of my control. I'll never get the answer to my why but I'm much more aware today of why that is -- and I'm content with that decision. If in order to be free means forgiving you, it is such a small price to pay for my eternal happiness.

I forgive you.


*Pride and Prejudice.

Originally published at lib schooled.. You can comment here or there.

I’ll admit that I’m a Wikipedia/Google whore — I keep joking to a friend of mine who works for Google that when I’m done with my MLIS, I’m ready to sell out.

But joking aside, I was on Wikipedia today when I saw this advertised at the top of their donation page:

Imagine a world in which every single person on the planet is given free access to the sum of all human knowledge. - — Jimmy Wales, Founder of Wikipedia

Yes motherfucker, it’s called a L.I.B.R.A.R.Y. Perhaps you’ve heard of them? You may have, gasp, been to one as a child? The arrogance kills me with that statement — Wikipedia, you did not infact, create the context of indexing human information for easy perusal — print encyclopaedias predate this by over a hundred years - AT LEAST. And the idea of indexing all the information of human kind AND having it available to all of human kind presumes that EVERY living human being has access to the Internet. According to this site, currently only 21% of the world’s population has access to the Internet. I’m betting and it’s just a hunch here, that there are more libraries available than Internet kiosks. Just a hunch.

I’m dropping this topic out there to be picked up later by myself — I’m also currently listening to The Google Story on my commutes, so I’m sure I”ll have more to say on this in a bit.

For now, I slumber (wearing one of my Google t-shirt, of course).